Those of us born in the ’80s know what a magical breed we are. With an analogue childhood and digital teen years, it was the best of both worlds, and almost makes up for, you know, the economy tanking right as a lot of us started our careers which has left us playing financial catch-up ever since… almost. Mercy, a national healthcare system, recently reminded us of the joys of our younger years as a way to remind us to schedule that mammogram.

Yes, we were betrayed by our nostalgia.

A bevy of doctors, nurses, technicians, and administrators at Mercy gathered to let us know “If you collected Beanie Babies, it’s time for your first mammogram.”

“If your favorite song was ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time,’ it’s time for your first mammogram.”

Guys. We were just sitting here. WTF did we ever do to you to deserve this public disrespect? Truly, this is a Bittersweet Symphony of barbs and reminders of the cruel march of time that we did not ask for or need right now.

But, just like Now That’s What I Call Music, the Millennial hits keep coming…

“If you remember texting on Blackberry, it’s time for your first mammogram.”

“If you recognize this sound *cue the unmistakable electronic cacophony of dial-up internet*, it’s time for your first mammogram.”

And on and on…

Nevertheless, even though we’re all only 23, we’re actually in our 30s and 40s. I know the math doesn’t add up, considering the ’80s were 20 years ago, but apparently top scientists have proven that we are all between the ages of 35 and 44.

Other top scientists, specifically those at the American Cancer Society, tell us that breast cancer screenings for women at average risk of break cancer — which you are if you don’t have a personal history of breast cancer, strong family history of breast cancer, or a genetic mutation known colloquially as BRCA that would increase your chances of developing breast cancer — can optionally start annual mammograms at 40. Between 44 and 54, women should definitely be getting a yearly mammogram, but can switch to every other year after 55 if they want.

Women at high risk of developing breast cancer — who have a known BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene mutation or have a first-degree relative with the mutation; had radiation therapy to the chest before 30; have Li-Fraumeni syndrome, Cowden syndrome, or Bannayan-Riley-Ruvalcaba syndrome; or who otherwise have a lifetime risk of 20% to 25% or greater per assessment tools based on family history — should be scheduling annual screenings starting at 30.

So not only are you calling me old by highlighting beloved milestones of childhood, the end result is you want to squish my boob like you’re trying to get orange juice out of it? As Stephanie Tanner says: “How rude!”

But honestly? It worked: after watching this I finally scheduled the mammogram I was supposed to get a year ago. So well done, Mercy. (And thanks!)