by Diana Park

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When my ex and I separated 10 years ago, we were very clear about one thing: our kids would come first. They’d come before our feelings about each other, new partners, and any hurt, sadness, or mourning we had. It was important that our kids didn’t get caught in the crossfire of our divorce. I’m proud of us as parents; we’ve done a good job with all three of our kids. Not a perfect one, but a damn good one.

But I’ve gotten something else out of it that I wasn’t expecting: my ex still helps me when I need it. Sure, most of that has to do with his kids being in my house 90% of the time. He’s a handy guy and knows a lot of trusted contractors. So if I need advice about why the boiler is running or why my water bill has skyrocketed, or if I find a shingle from the roof blowing around the yard, he’s happy to take a look or help find someone who will fix it right at a fair price.

If I’m going away for the weekend and can’t find a dog sitter, he’s happy to let the kids bring the dog to his house because after all it’s their pet, and I do the same for him. If I need advice about something big like my retirement account or I’m not sure how to handle one of the kids’ behaviors, he’s the first person I call.

My ex-husband does this for his kids; it really isn’t for me. He wants them to have a mother who sleeps at night so she can be a good mom. He has no problem if I need to bounce an idea off of him, like what kind of car I should get, because he feels as included in their lives as he did when he lived with them full time.

And that means a lot to me, too.

Our biggest goal when we split was to keep things as normal as possible for our kids. That meant we’d have to put any bitter feelings aside, and communicate, and help each other. In turn, it’s built trust, and my kids know my ex and I are on the same page. We are there for each other when it comes to them, because they are the most important people in our lives.

And now, we still have a partnership. It’s different than it was when we were married and it took work to get here. We have learned communication and respecting each other’s boundaries is key to keeping this ship afloat. And somehow, we work better than we did before. It’s created a sense of security for them and us. And if you ask me, it’s the best gift we can give them… whether we’re married or not.

Diana Park is a writer who finds solitude in a good book, the ocean, and eating fast food with her kids.